The Mari and Fernando Show: November 2008

I've been searching for a disk for over a year and I just found it in a stack of cd's- go figure since I'm so organized. :) I was so excited to see old pics of me with pals and some of my old songs I had written back then. Wow, I forget how emotional those years were for me and everything I was trying to get through. Music was my only outlet and I can remember spending DAYS with my guitar practically glued to my hands. One of my "therapy" songs is titled " I-10 " which most of the nation has traveled at one time or another. It's an account of my unbridled enthusiasm to get out of my hometown and spread my wings once I reached the other side of the country. My theme song while moving out west was the Dixie Chicks' "Wide Open Spaces" and coming home it was Beth Hart's "Back to L.A."

It's hard for things to go to plan when you don't have a plan to begin with. Throw that on top of a really horrible relationship and you've got a disaster on your hands. Needless to say, I came home with my tail between my legs and felt broken. I'm not looking for pity, I needed to experience it. There's nothing like learning what life can throw at you and how you handle it. I can look back on those times and while I still cringe that the thought of some decisions I made, I have a musical journal to remind me that I can get through anything. Cheesy? Maybe. But I'm alive and happy to be so. Tell me whatcha' think!!

I suddenly awoke at 5am this morning. Not sure why and not sure if I'd rather be back in bed or not, but it's too late now. It's another Thanksgiving morning- the dogs are sprawled out on the living room floor (Lola's hogging up the heater) and Fernando's snoring in bed. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving- it never feels like Thanksgiving anymore. When I was a kid, our whole family would show up at Grandma's house. I knew it was Thanksgiving when I'd see Grandma's turkey platter on the counter. This isn't just your run of the mill platter. It's decorated with a colorful bird, fall foliage and even brags a few chips and dings. How is it that I can find comfort in a turkey platter.......?

We never had a huge family- it's always been pretty small in comparison to most, but there wasn't anything better than having everyone gathered together. Family gatherings consisted mainly of my parents, grandmother, 3 kiddies, uncle Charles and every now and then, distant relatives would pop in around the holidays. Grandma would prepare a feast as Mom helped, which left Dad to
watch us kiddies- or the back of his eyelids, whichever won the battle. Granddaddy passed away when I was 5 and I don't remember much from those days. My grandmother was really the only grandparent I grew up knowing and formed an extremely close bond with.

My parents divorced in 1992 and our family gatherings drastically changed. Spending the holidays with each of my parents was awkward. I felt guilty every time I left Mom to go see Dad and vice versa. I hated it. Finally in 1996, we three kids announced that Thanksgiving dinner would take place at Jyo's and Kenji's house and everyone was invited to attend. That way, there was no rushing from place to another and we'd all have to get along under one roof. My then sister-in-law and I spent a week getting ready for our first ever post-divorce family dinner. I was so nervous and excited all at once, but glad it was finally happening. My grandma was going to be there and I looked to her to keep the peace- everything would be fine.

The day before Thanksgiving that year, Grandma received a package in the mail. I took it to her and watched her open it- revealing a black dress and black shoes. They were hideous and I just looked at her with confusion. I know she saw it because she quickly explained that she was going to be buried in it. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh no... no no no no no. No way. I told her it was hideous and there was no way I'd ever let that happen and besides, she wasn't going anywhere any time soon. She chuckled. Later that day, I caught her as she started for the mailbox. I told her I'd mail the Christmas card for her and to have a seat, I'd be right back. She insisted that she put it in the mailbox, which was about 100 feet away. It was only Thanksgiving, why was she sending Uncle Greg's Christmas card so soon? I stopped wondering when I saw the look on her face as she walked back to the house. She quickly sat down and placed a nitroglycerin pill under her tongue. I panicked, but she assured me that everything was fine. Ahh, the naive 19 year old that I was.

I spent most of the afternoon with her that day before packing an overnight bag and heading to my brothers' house an hour away. Before leaving, I turned around, stuck my head in the doorway and said, "I love you, my sweet ol' lady!" and hopped in my car. That evening was spent preparing for our big dinner the next day and playing with Izaak who was only 4 at the time. I slept on the couch that night while everyone else went to their rooms. My eyes opened at 7:25am just before the phone rang. I heard Jyo answer it and I started to get dressed and put on my shoes. He walked down the hall and the look on his face confirmed everything- my sweet ol' lady was on her way to the hospital. I knew.

I knew that would be the last time I'd ever see her. We met Dad and Kay at the hospital and played the waiting game until we could see Grandma. She had apparently died in the ambulance, but they were able to recessitate her. I was shocked to see her hooked up to so many machines and tubes. She wasn't able to speak because of the tube in her throat. I sat by her bed, held her hand and cried. She squeezed my hand and mouthed the words, "Don't cry. I love you." She was so calm, so relaxed... I knew she was ready to go, she had been preparing for it all along. She had a living will and it was her wishes not to be recessitated or kept alive with medical technology. She held on for us and I mean "for us." She was ready but she knew that we weren't. How do you tell someone how much you love them when you know there's only a few hours until they're taken from you? Those hours quickly dwindled down and I watched the clock all day hoping it would stop, but the time came too soon.

Dad asked to be alone with her for a moment. I'll never know what was said behind closed doors, it was a last moment for a mother and her son. Her tubes were removed after that and all life support was put to an end. We gathered in her room- family and close friends, just as it should have been. She had closed her eyes and it looked as though she was asleep- so peaceful, so natural. The room was silent except for the heart monitor, as the beeps grew further and further apart and her breaths became softer and softer. Her life came to an end on November 28, 1996. My heart actually broke that day- I felt it.

Not a word was said as I rode back from the hospital with Dad and Kay. I lay in the back seat still sobbing from losing her and just when I thought I was out of tears, more would well up and pool in my hands. I lay in my bed that night and cried even more after finally realizing what had happened. Nearly beside myself and unable to sleep, my scalp began to tingle as I felt fingers run through my hair and an immediate calm came over me. That hospital room wasn't going to be the final memory of my grandmother after all- I knew she was with me and comforting me one last time and that memory will stay with me always.

It's been 12 years and not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I never did let that awful black dress touch her skin. Instead I chose the same beautiful green dress she wore at my high school graduation. Kay fixed her hair as I did her make-up. I wasn't sure how I was going to react seeing her lifeless body, but it was just that- her body. I knew her spirit was still alive and that gave me great comfort knowing that I'll see her again once my turn comes to leave this life. I firmly believe that she watches over us and especially the grandchildren she never got to meet here on earth. If they could have met their great-grandmother.... though I'm sure they already have.